Gentle rain

Woo I made it to Friday!

Thursday turned out to be was a good day.

Helped read through a mock exam and revision for a student with dyslexia and they passed there exam a few hours later!

People that make fun of spelling and grammar mistakes I always want to give them a lecture on how rude, ignorant and discriminatory that shitty attitude is.

Also helped someone with advice that I can easily give due to my pharmacy dispenser training and experience. Plus my gender assigned at birth as female helps!

The things that we sometimes feel are a failure because they didn’t work out can still help people just in a different way.

There’s something about walking to work when it’s a mild 9 degrees in the gentle rain which makes me feel free and refreshed. Like the butterfly kisses of nature. I can feel the tiny soft drops on my skin and it grounds me. It reminds me that the tiniest most insignificant things can be the most beautiful either the most profound effects.

This weeks up and downs

So this week has been one of the hardest weeks in a few months.

Monday was fine and on Tuesday I hit a bit of a downward day. It seemed to last during Wednesday and Thursday too.

I think it was a combination of a lack of self care the week before (during my period) and a busy week with lots of things planned it that became overwhelming.

Off the top of my head – Lots of socialising (2 different occasions) with people I haven’t seen recently which still makes me feel nervous and anxious / My best friends sons birthday which I needed to draw and sort a card and go and drop of their present for / A lovely cervical screening appointment / A work leaving do drinks at spoons which make me feel anxious because socialising / Mother’s Day which I need to finish drawing a card for and stuff / Last dinner with Nath’s little sister before she goes travelling / being broke as hell the last week because end of the month / we booked a holiday for July and that makes me anxious too because it’s scary / also I seem to have put on weight last few months or from Christmas and my thighs are chafing ahh so I need to try and be healthier to loose a little because my jeans are tight!

I was feeling more anxious walking to work and finding everything so draining and tiring.

I felt depressed in the sense that I was feeling unmotivated, numb and like I didn’t care about anything. I found myself questions what’s the point and why should I for everything.

Luckily Nathan got up and walked me to work on Wednesday which was amazingly helpful and supportive. I’m so grateful for him in my life.

I struggle to make decisions in this mood and even getting dressed gets me in a flap. I feel self conscious. My mind raced and tries to tell me that these negative feelings and slump in my mood made my panic that’s my whole life is over and I’m a bad person and I shouldn’t be a parent.

✏️ I wrote down my feeling son the notes on my phone whilst walking which helps me get it out and I also foraged my self to walk and leave the house which both helped.

Once I get to work and I’m busy I feel so much better knowing I’m focused on something.

I also tried to remind myself the point is I love my job, I’m doing t because I care and I want to make a difference.

The mediocre and I don’t care moods have to be there to have the good moods, to have the joy, happiness and the positive feelings I guess. Which is sad and good at the same time and it’s just part of life. I’m trying to think of it as a part of the journey that leads to better things. Just like the heartbeat it has to go up and down.

So just recognising that FUCK living and working through life with mental health issues is bloody hard. It’s okay to take a few minutes just to remember that and give your self some acceptance and remember you are valid!

It’s Friday and I’ve made it through the week and it’s getting better. I got out of bed and showered and had time to eat breakfast and do yoga today!

Go me 💪🏻✨

Just want to document this to remind myself that it does get better and keep a track of my mental health!

Recognising the good

So I go through another week which is an achievement I think we can all celebrate and appreciate because life can be hard sometimes ⭐️

My last therapy I had was hypnotherapy and one of the things I took from that was to think of all the positive things from the week.

This is to create a new pattern of thinking and focus on the good things as much as we can because our old fashioned brained are always looking for the negatives to try and protect us.

At first or when you’re not in the best place it can be super hard. You can’t se anything good because you are stuck in the quick sand of negative and depression/ anxiety etc. At the start of each session he would ask me to list as many positive things I could think of from the last week or so and keep asking and waiting until I had come up with 10/20/30.

I need to make sure I practice this every week and make it a forever habit.

So here goes! ↘️

This week I feel like I’ve been doing pretty was especially because I’m on my period but still managing my mental health well.

Monday was out 5 year anniversary

He made dinner and bought flowers

My mum got a new second job that she needed and really wanted

I played pool with the students

We went to the lake district at the weekend and spent lots of quality time together

I read ‘Mad Girl by Bryony Gordon’ and it was amazing and I connected with it so much and shed tears in a good way.

Been walking to work most of the week and it feels good and I now realise that it makes a difference so I want to do it and haven’t been feeling so anxious walking

Just working with the young people in my job is something I enjoy but we had some really nice conversations around sexual health and LGBTQ+ this week

Had someone new volunteer at work which is nice to have an extra person and a new injection even though it’s strange because it’s been just he two of us for so long

Listening to lots of the minimalists podcasts who I love and find so calming, informative and mindful

Really nice weather this week which made me feel inspired and summery

Only two weeks left or half term!

Had youth group this Wednesday just gone which I love

Did a surprise something for a colleague which was a bit creative and fun

Had a curry that a colleague made for us which was vegetable and lentils and was amazing

Didn’t spend that much money because we get paid at the end of next week and I have just under £50 I think I’m on track to save £250 this month 💪🏻

Coming to terms and taking some space from a friendship that has been hurting me recently

Fid some tiling with my dad a few weekends ago and we have been keeping the kitchen tidier since then

Went to town on my own to buy things even though I find it hard on my own

Nath shaved my undercut which feels lovely back to a grade 1

Did some more rug weaving

Got my best friends boys birthday present in the post

Went to the cinema for the first time in ages with Nath to see ‘instant family’ which was so cute and pulls on my heart strings and maternal instincts

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

That feels like a lot and if also feels really nice to recognise all these things ☺️☺️

In my experience struggling with my mental health means the good gets sucked out of everything. There’s also stigma about only showing your best self and fake happy on social media that people. This makes me think (like my brain sometimes) that we either focus on all good or all bad and it’s the in-between that we need to connect more. I sometimes feel guilt about posting good things because I don’t want to make others feel bad or present this perfect self that’s not real.

I try very hard to be real and genuine and show both my best and worst moments. I feel I need to remind myself, just as it’s okay to feel not okay it’s okay to feel good and we must celebrate these moments when they are here ✨

I would recommend for everyone to give this a try and see how it makes you feel.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend 🌈

Saturday morning

I just got up and did a yoga session in my pjs and it feels good!

Back to work on Monday and I need to get my yoga routine back again for following weeks.

I love how funny the videos of these sessions are ☺️

Survived another year!

Sometimes we forgot to celebrate and smile about the things we have achieved. We can get lost in the business of life, here’s a few photos to remind me of 2017.

Some top moments –

My fiancé finally had his spinal operation and now he’s recovered.

We saw Ed Sheeran live at O2 London.

I got a new Job in an area I love and I’m pushing myself to achieve new things and grow out of my comfort zone.

I did more art, drawing, painting, used drawing inks for the first time started a new personal sketchbook ✏️

I strived to spend more time in nature and enjoyed the autumn leaves immensely. Watched lots of sunsets in our favourite spot. I also got into plants again and plight myself a rubber plant!

We focused on healthy eating together for health reasons and enjoyed discovering new recipes and food we love. Started eating raw tomatoes even though I don’t really like them to prove s point to myself. Pictured; banana and honey on whole grain bread, carrot sticks and a ham Tortilla.

Continued finding new ways to practice self care including burning some lovely scented candles from my sister, the gentle glow fairy lights, walks and blowing bubbles.

Enjoyed many a drive and adventure in our beautiful BMW 3 series e90 in graphite grey and had fun cleaning her and taking photos of her.

Bought (and Nathan bought me) and wore some new clothes that I normally wouldn’t have the confidence to and painted my nails for the first time in ages. Yay for dungarees and my bright yellow raincoat. 💛 Also got some good use out of my trusty old dock martens.

Made more friends with some incredibly inspiring people from the wonderful mental health community of twitter and Instagram.

Sent an anonymous and very direct text to a guy who was discriminating against someone for her mental health and it led to him apologising to her (that felt good)

Finally became the proud owner of a pride flag 🏳️‍🌈

Kept moving forward every day with the love and support of my friends, family and wonderful partner. Spoke openly about my mental health to many people, Tried new medications, new counsellors and proved to myself that no feeling is final and I can survive this illness.

Nathan bought me a baby Eeyore because he’s just so cute I had to carry him around Tesco and pretend he was alive whilst waiting for my prescription! 😂

Also saw lots of wonderful posts online about body positivity and self love.

I am worthy. I am beautiful. I can do this.