First day back went ace!

I know I feel like I have a habit of posting about the bad things, I guess that is because a lot of the time it feels so much easier to express the negatives (especially when we have experiences depression).

Today was my first day back to work from the summer holidays and it was good.

I didn’t get the morning anxieties of going to work.

I got to see and catch up with the amazing team of wonderful people who I’m a part of.

I got up and did everything in a timely manner this morning, took a healthy lunch, walked to work and back and have left feeling positive and accomplished.

This is a big or little victory depending on how you look at it.

I also saw my ex drive past for a millisecond (which is always weird), I feel so secure and happy that life took me on a different path and that I now have such a meaningful and deep relationship and security that person couldn’t give me.

I feel happy and whole and accepting of myself today and its a great feeling.

Things I’m thinking about on holiday

My tummy hurts and uhh

I don’t really like going outside and being in the uncomfortable hotness but I’m sure I’m gunna get depressed in the winter again – how annoying

I probably have some sort of addiction to my phone

I’m thinking about everything too much but not finding any answers – I feel overwhelmed by life

What is the point in life, being alive, trying etc

I have too many fucking feelings that I feel like crying and I’m not sure why – okay now I’m crying

Anticipation is like 50% of the experience?

I feel like I don’t really have any friends and it’s partly l because I’m scared to meet up with people and make new friends because I always fuck it up

I want/ need to loose weight and start being healthier when I get home but I feel like it’s impossible – I’m scared to go out and run on my own

I feel like I trapped in a mental cage that I can’t get past of move out of

I suck at relaxing and not doing things, maybe it’s because I think too much and it makes me sad

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life

I keep going through phases that it bothers me SO Much that I’m on minimum wage and I don’t know if it should or not. I mean it’s a waste of my energy but how am I not supposed to feel shit about it

I’m scared about going back to work after the summer because so much stress and pressure

There’s so much in my head I feel like it would take like 4 hours to get a decent amount out if I was talking to someone but I’d probably forget half of it

I think I want to see more of the world but do I? I wanna see our house and run away and then maybe die at the end so I don’t have to worry about coming home

Stranger Things 3

So we have just broken up for summer and I’m binge watching Stranger Things 3 to celebrate. Good timing Netflix.

(I do recognise that it’s the waiting for each episode, the expectation, that’s part of the experience – our need to consume everything now isn’t going to lead anywhere good. so not too often but its a treat!)

The music, the atmosphere, the intensity that causes that skin prickling feeling when things get serious.

Joyce is such a bad ass bitch. She shows us that there is nothing a mother wont do for her kids – like a superpower. Also shes pretty hot.

It reminds me of just how fucking hardcore and incredible the human spirit is. Yeah we can be stupid, we struggle to manage our emotions and impulses. I like to think that we will figure it out. The mind is a miracle. When the things we care about are in danger we can stretch further, run faster, shout louder, fight harder, be selfless. Fight or flight isn’t all bad?

They all totally seem to have PTSD from what happened. Some things have moved forward in good ways, I’m so glad we can talk about our feelings more now.  Mental health is important. ‘We’ve got shared trauma, so whats a little more?’

I love the vintage, retro, the simplicity and the style. I want some of the outfits, I wish things were still more like that. The dresses, checked shirts, high waist trousers, stripes,  Fashion, consumerism and society hadn’t taken over as much as it had now.

The journey of friendships and relationships. How they are all in it together, how they support each other, Like a real family. Trust, bravery, sacrifice, Empathy. The connections they have are so beautiful. Love. Mike is in love with El. Joyce and Hopper. Dustin and Suzie. I personally am I massive fan of love, I know sex is great but its not everything.  I’m glad they show this in the story.

They are a great example of equality, diversity and inclusion. Its not about what you wear, your hair colour, how many teeth you have, how nerdy you are. Its SO MUCH MORE than that.

Eleven. El. Shes amazing. Seeing her grow and develop reminds me of our students. How even those of us with the a shitty start in the world, who are alone, weird and different. We can learn, grow and flourish, thrive. Difficult, hard, impossible, struggles can help us to find that spark of our spirit. Hope.

Just so much love for it all. Emotional endings are the best. Of course I cried.

Hoppers speech –

“There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you both about – and I know this is a difficult conversation. But I care about you both very much. And I know you care about each other very much and that’s why it’s important that we set these boundaries moving forward so we can build an environment, where we ALL feel comfortable, trusted and open to sharing our feelings

Feelings. Jesus. The truth is, for so long, I’d forgotten what those even were. I’ve been stuck in one place – in a cave, you might say. A deep dark cave. And then, I left some Eggos out in the woods and you came into my life and… for the first time in a long time, I started to feel things again. I started to feel happy.

But lately, I guess I’ve been feeling… distant from you. Like you’re pulling away from me or something. I miss playing board games every night, making triple-decker Eggo extravaganzas at sunrise, watching westerns together before we doze off.

But I know you’re getting older, growing, changing. And I guess… if i’m being really honest, that’s what scares me. I don’t want things to change. So I think maybe that’s why I came here, to try to maybe… stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were.

But I know that’s naive. It’s just… not how life works. It’s moving. Always moving whether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes it’s sad and sometimes it’s surprising. Happy.

So you know what? Keep on growing up, kid. Don’t let me stop you. Make mistakes, learn from ’em, and when life hurts you – because it will – remember the hurt. The hurt is good. It means you’re out of that cave.

But, please, if you don’t mind, for the sake of your poor old dad, keep the door open three inches.”

Shows like this put me on a high, and make me think so much more and open my mind.

June dips

This last week has encompasses my monthly mood crash.

Father’s Day has never been particularly hard for me but this weekend I really struggled. I never had a good relationship with my dad growing up and experienced domestic violence that I still get angry and upset about. – Starting to think maybe I need to have a conversation with him about it or try and address it in counselling again

This morning I managed to shower, eat overnight oats, drink at least a bottle of water and do some yoga. I’m walking to work feeling groggy and lethargic like it’s so hard to move my legs and like I could fall back asleep in a second.

I really need to buy a new water bottle to help me drink more as all mine I’ve lost the lids. I struggle so much with making decisions and buying new things that it’s a massive ordeal and struggle 😂

A few people pointed out my diet to me around this time again and it’s something I really need to get on top off. I comfort eat as a way to feel better and distract myself from my feeling. Planning certain goods into my diet before my mood dips will hopefully help me manage better.

Next month we will be leaving for holiday so the week before if pretty crucial as I want to be in a good place to enjoy this time off more than usual.

Then it’s the summer holidays which I struggle with as a massive change of routine. (I think I might already be feeling nerves and anxiety around that time off.) how fast it all goes makes me feel like I’m on a Merry go round.

Walking in the rain

I got up, had breakfast and did a little Yoga and reading his morning – woo small achievements 👏🏻

But walking to work in the rain and getting soaked makes me feel sad, anxious and uncomfortable.

I failed my driving test 3 times, once I feel like it was unfair (The reason I failed was due to forgetting to straighten my wheel after a parallel park – which can’t be a major surely?) mostly due to anxiety and poor mental Health where I can’t deal with that pressure.

I’m hot but I can’t take off my coat because I’ll get wet. I’m wearing a massive coast but my trousers are soaked so I’m gunna be sat in wet clothes for hours? The wet feeling of the fabric on my skin is triggering anxiety and I’m fighting a panic attack.

Do I have to. It a full waterproof output to not suffer this and I don’t think the sensation of wearing layers would be something I could cope with anyway. We don’t really have any lockers or anywhere to store extra outfits or dry them at work..

I know I’m lucky I can wash and I have protective clothing and we have water and aren’t in a drought but it still feels unfair like i should have a right clean dry clothes

I’m definable one of those millennials who feels like I mm owed things sometimes and being hormonal makes it worse.

What if I can’t afford loads of waterproof shit – good coats are always expensive or to attempt to learn to drive again on my minimum wage not full time job and I can’t mentally manage a second job? 🤷🏼‍♀️

First world fucking problems

Weeks

So this last few weeks has been kinda good for me in the sense of well-being. Been reading again, listening to podcasts and being more mindful.

But I’m still feeling crap, today is the worst day and it’s because of my cycle but everything just seems so hopeless.

Keeping on top of housework is the worst in the world I just can’t get my head around how anyone does it. Every week it gets on top of me and causes me anxiety. I literally can’t force myself to do it any better. Life feels impossible.

I have so many dreams where I’m running and trying to escape from people, who are sometimes trying to kill me. I’m not sure who but I climb out of windows a lot. It seems to be never ending. I just don’t know what I’m running from 🤷🏼‍♀️

Really love the idea of getting a dog to help with our mental health and have a reason to go out and walk which I don’t feel safe to do on my own. I’m allergic though.

Should I just ignore the allergy and hope I get used to it or will it make me so ill that it’ll have negative impact on me?

It feels like every time there’s light or hope or something that might help there’s a reason it won’t work which I can’t get around.

Like the world telling me I don’t deserve it.

Forward

I woke up at 6 with my alarm today and got out of bed which was good, however this followed by falling asleep on the sofa and wasting at least 20 mins on social media.

Swings and roundabouts.

I guess I get tired, and once I’ve led down or been starting at my Phone for 5 minutes I think well I’ve already wasted this time so why difference does it make.

On reflection I should have been more Mindful and thought about the effects of my actions.

Positives – I still managed to eat breakfast, thanks to overnight oats and take my morning medication. I am walking to work even though I thought about asking for a lift.

I’ve been learning, reading and listening to mindfulness, meditation and Buddhist teachings a lot in the last week or so. It’s something I’ve always been interested in but it’s been fucking with my head and making me feel depressed because it’s so hard. If we are all connected like parts of the ocean, one is all and all is one and there isn’t really a self it confuses everything and makes me feel lost.

I remember questioning everything and connecting with deeper thought and understanding of the world at uni – I thought I couldn’t cope with it as it was so draining and overwhelming. Also struggling with mental health is an be a real trigger to anxiety and overthinking and spiralling.

I realised that this suffering I was feeling is something that needs to be noticed but not dwelled on, let go and to bring back focus.

This feels impossible sometimes when life is bombarding is constantly and relentlessly. Feels so hard to find or make the time to sit.

The idea of running away to a retreat is great. Escaping from this world. Some of the podcasts said to be careful if torment all health isn’t great though as it can have negative effects.

Whenever I feel bad I usually try to push it away and panic. I treat it as if it’s a grenade in my life and it’s going to blow up and destroy everything. I ruminate like fuck.

Social media and trawling through the internet is something I struggle with so much.

At work now so will have to pick up this train of thought later.

Supposed to be getting ready for his friends wedding who I don’t know.

Feeling really anxious and uncomfortable and lost in a quicksand of thoughts.

Putting on a dressed and going somewhere I don’t know, with people I don’t know where I don’t feel comfortable feels like a nightmare. Why am I doing this? Should I just stay at home?

Feeling so Fucking anxious and panicked and everyone always feels like there’s not enough time.

I want more help but I don’t know where the fuck to go, I don’t when know if I believe in counselling anymore and how are you supposed to manage without it.

I can’t even keep up with all my thoughts how am I supposed to Remember and talk about them all.

How do I know if I’m spiralling especially if I’m still high functioning and everyone seems to think I’m okay 😭 just wanna break down all the time these last few days.

What if the only job I’ve had that I like is fucking with me because of the term time patterns and I can’t have a routine 😬

mindful?

So I tried to be mindful yesterday, I did yoga, I meditated and read.

It doesn’t feel like it helped. Thinking about all the stuff I’ve read just makes me feel confused, empty, numb, dead inside and wonder what’s the point.

I don’t know why I’m feeling this way and what’s causing my suffering, because I’m bored. I don’t know how I’m supposed to mindful about it I just don’t understand anything.

If I’m more aware of everything it just makes me feel worse?

I wrote this yesterday and today I’m feeling dehydrated and trapped and like I can’t breathe and that I need to shower again because my compulsive thoughts tell me I’m not clean enough. And if I don’t wash my hair I’m not clean.

Really don’t know what I’m supposed to do get counselling again but i don’t want to rely on in incase we can’t afford it. I feel completely tortured and death always seems like the best thing, an escape and end to this.

I’m not even due on for 2 weeks so I don’t know why this is happening 😭

Sighhhhhh

Good days

Today and yesterday I managed to get up and have a good morning routine.

I took my meal prepped lunch and didn’t eat any crap at work.

Yesterday we made a homemade cheese sauce together which is simple but yummy and time consuming so that felt like an achievement.

I helped with maths exams today without feeling anxious about it and feel like I actually have my shit together.

Have comfortably challenged situations that I have struggled with in the past.

Listening to the greatest showman whilst walking to work does help the good mood.

Also beautiful sun and lovely grounds is always uplifting. Feeling grateful.

Just a reminder or the good days ☀️