Gentle rain

Woo I made it to Friday!

Thursday turned out to be was a good day.

Helped read through a mock exam and revision for a student with dyslexia and they passed there exam a few hours later!

People that make fun of spelling and grammar mistakes I always want to give them a lecture on how rude, ignorant and discriminatory that shitty attitude is.

Also helped someone with advice that I can easily give due to my pharmacy dispenser training and experience. Plus my gender assigned at birth as female helps!

The things that we sometimes feel are a failure because they didn’t work out can still help people just in a different way.

There’s something about walking to work when it’s a mild 9 degrees in the gentle rain which makes me feel free and refreshed. Like the butterfly kisses of nature. I can feel the tiny soft drops on my skin and it grounds me. It reminds me that the tiniest most insignificant things can be the most beautiful either the most profound effects.

Tuesday

On Monday I was feeling empty and depressed and wrote a long blog post to process my feelings whilst walking to work.

It may be relevant that it’s that time of the month and I’m waiting for it which is when my emotions usually take over a little.

I had considerable brain fog during the day and felt emotional and overwhelmed.

Here’s an example; I cried about my sunburn because that’s an easy thing for anxiety to grab hold of. I felt guilty that it’s my fault I got it, that I’m not responsible enough to remember hats and suncream. I’m going to get cancer and I’m a bad person, I should never go outside in the sun again. That’s how my brain works.

The evening was good though. I came home to my wonderful partner and we chilled and did some paperwork stuff together – which felt damn productive. (Damn do they make that stuff hard, it’s a shame all applications can’t have he same process so you don’t have to spend hours editing and inputting information into the awkward forms) Then cooked a fry up for dinner and watched ‘The Hate U Give’ I have recently read the book and I loved it. I cried so much during the film as I empathise a lot. I think the film did an amazing job of showing the perspective and lack of equality within communities.

The ‘THUG LIFE’ concept was explained in the film, The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everybody – the way society treats, judged and stereotypes the minority groups; people of different heritage, the poor, disabled, LGBTQ+ etc when they are young ends up biting back.

Experiencing things like this of various perspective through films, books, YouTube and conversations with people really reminds me of the privileges I have and all the things to be grateful for.

Today I got up and did yoga and finished a book in the morning. Took the gas and electric readings, started a new book, Ate breakfast and managed to prep a quick healthy lunch before leaving.

I’ve just written this whilst walking to work as a distraction from my uncomfortable anxious feeling walking against lots of incoming traffic and struggling to keep my breathing even. It helped.

So one day started bad and one day started good.

You’re feelings are valid but they aren’t forever. Now I just need to breathe and drink some water for a few minutes.

Going out

Went to Exeter pride yesterday which was really nice to get out of my comfort zone and see some friends.

The pride was really lovely and a nice small and cosy. The gardens were beautiful and so nice to see so many little different areas with people sat and socialising amping nature.

Even though it’s supposed to be about being yourself prod always makes me feel self conscious of what I’m wearing and whether I should dress up more etc.

It’s good to be around lots of open minded, beautiful people in a good atmosphere there’s always a part of me that feels a little empty and depressed.

I forget how I find socialising a little awkward and how being in the sun makes you burnt. – That’s why I usually hide inside. Sometimes if feels like bad things happen when I go outside. Feeling a little drained and sick and maybe dehydrated today. Also in a weird not sure what to do with myself mood.

Does going out and doing things always make you feel like this and is it worth it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Realisation

Think I’ve realised something this weekend.

It was a painful and emotional realisation where I had a panic attack in public, got angry at someone and cried and felt super guilty. But even though I feel like it sometimes I am not a bad person.

I feel emotions stronger than most people, I have high empathy levels and this can overwhelm me. – I can’t have relationships with people who are in denial and refuse help. I can’t be around people who lie. Who tell different stories and versions of events to different people. Who have such an internal struggle that they don’t even know how they feel and don’t tell he truth about it. That upset the people around them. I know some disorders make a lot of these things harder for people. I believe upsetting other people and making them uncomfortable for your own enjoyment and to make you feel better is morally wrong.

You can’t run away from your problems literally and metaphorically your whole life and just ignore them and expect things to be good. You have to take responsibility for your actions.

I understand that sometimes people aren’t ready and that’s their decision. That’s okay.

However I’m at that stage of my life where the people around me are super important because they have a big affect on how I feel.

The minimalists say ‘You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you’

We all need to surround ourselves with people with the same values. Positive people. I need to be around honest, genuine people. People who are strong enough not just to admit they need help but to take action.

If you have issues that’s cool. We all know I do too along with most people. I am happy to signpost you. I cannot support anyone in a non professional capacity or be around them who refused to work towards their own growth.

Time to stop trying to help other people and start protecting myself and curating my circle!

Art is up

Finally got some of my art up on the walls which feels good and more homely.

Disclaimer: Hands, banana and work hard snack often are copied from things I’ve seen on the internet but I drew them myself 🤷🏼‍♀️

Being uncomfortable allows for growth

So in about a week and a half I will be starting a new course.

When I first heard about the course I was super up for it.When I found out it was 2 levels higher than I initially thought, I panicked. I overthought every possible worst scenario that could happen from taking this on. I thought back to my university degree in which I struggled with the work partially because of other life situations that got in the way and my mental health.

I thought about Pro’s and Con’s. I asked a lot of people I knew and respected what they though and their opinions. I listened to advice of others, some even made me cry a little. They reminded me that I’m not the same person I was back at University. It seemed that others around me thought it would be okay. I felt like a burden and annoying whilst asking things. I must have spent at least 2 weeks analysing every little thing and stressing about this decision. As you may have guessed by now I struggle making decisions, I think due to my anxiety and lack of self-belief.

A simple version of my thinking – Yes I like to learn new things but I am scared of failing.

I came to three options. Do it. Don’t do it. Ask to do a lower level.

After finding out some information from a fellow colleague I decided fuck it I’m going to go for it.

I was terrified of failing, I’m not very confident in myself. Life has reminded me recently that failing is good. Failing means you tried. Failing means you’re learning. Would I rather be someone who fails or someone who never tried? I don’t want to regret an opportunity. We have to put ourselves in new, difficult and uncomfortable situations if we want to grow and learn.

Listening to the private podcasts of the minimalists who I have been following for a few years helped me strengthen this belief. Here is a snippet from an essay that inspires me. Called The Discomfort Zone. https://www.theminimalists.com/zone/

‘So next time you feel naked, next time you feel defenseless, know that you’re simply operating from your Discomfort Zone, a place from which you’ll experience growth as long as you’re willing to sit with your vulnerability long enough to grow.’

So here is the start of a new journey for me. Wish me luck, and I hope you can find the strength to step into your discomfort zone and do something new and uncertain.

The Earth Hums in B Flat

I’ve just finished reading this beautiful book which is he first one I’ve really gotten into in the last few months! I’m so glad I’d fallen back in love with reading again.

Written from the perspective of a child called Gwenni, who loves books and helps babysit two young girls and can fly in her dreams. The way she thinks is different from everyone else and she is such a loveable character.

It’s creative and mysterious draws you in.

It’s really touching how she sees the good in everyone and the way she tried to help and understand the world around her. There’s a piece I love about peeling paint and Toby hugs that she references often.

The book reminds me of my grandparents and a time when things were so much simpler. Real fires, boiling the kettle on the fire for tea, simple meals, curling up on armchairs and books. It gives me a homely feeling.

It touches on the complexity of things that can be hard to understand sometimes (for children especially) relationships, family and mental health. It also touches my heart.

Looking back at mental health provisions in this book shows how far we have come. It makes me grateful that we understand so much more now and how important it is to learn new things.

‘When people are mad, do they become different people, or are they versions of themselves with all the horrible things about themselves magnified?’

This weeks up and downs

So this week has been one of the hardest weeks in a few months.

Monday was fine and on Tuesday I hit a bit of a downward day. It seemed to last during Wednesday and Thursday too.

I think it was a combination of a lack of self care the week before (during my period) and a busy week with lots of things planned it that became overwhelming.

Off the top of my head – Lots of socialising (2 different occasions) with people I haven’t seen recently which still makes me feel nervous and anxious / My best friends sons birthday which I needed to draw and sort a card and go and drop of their present for / A lovely cervical screening appointment / A work leaving do drinks at spoons which make me feel anxious because socialising / Mother’s Day which I need to finish drawing a card for and stuff / Last dinner with Nath’s little sister before she goes travelling / being broke as hell the last week because end of the month / we booked a holiday for July and that makes me anxious too because it’s scary / also I seem to have put on weight last few months or from Christmas and my thighs are chafing ahh so I need to try and be healthier to loose a little because my jeans are tight!

I was feeling more anxious walking to work and finding everything so draining and tiring.

I felt depressed in the sense that I was feeling unmotivated, numb and like I didn’t care about anything. I found myself questions what’s the point and why should I for everything.

Luckily Nathan got up and walked me to work on Wednesday which was amazingly helpful and supportive. I’m so grateful for him in my life.

I struggle to make decisions in this mood and even getting dressed gets me in a flap. I feel self conscious. My mind raced and tries to tell me that these negative feelings and slump in my mood made my panic that’s my whole life is over and I’m a bad person and I shouldn’t be a parent.

✏️ I wrote down my feeling son the notes on my phone whilst walking which helps me get it out and I also foraged my self to walk and leave the house which both helped.

Once I get to work and I’m busy I feel so much better knowing I’m focused on something.

I also tried to remind myself the point is I love my job, I’m doing t because I care and I want to make a difference.

The mediocre and I don’t care moods have to be there to have the good moods, to have the joy, happiness and the positive feelings I guess. Which is sad and good at the same time and it’s just part of life. I’m trying to think of it as a part of the journey that leads to better things. Just like the heartbeat it has to go up and down.

So just recognising that FUCK living and working through life with mental health issues is bloody hard. It’s okay to take a few minutes just to remember that and give your self some acceptance and remember you are valid!

It’s Friday and I’ve made it through the week and it’s getting better. I got out of bed and showered and had time to eat breakfast and do yoga today!

Go me 💪🏻✨

Just want to document this to remind myself that it does get better and keep a track of my mental health!

Greg the ghost

So my good friend Leanne made me this beautiful little crochet ghost inspire by ‘The sad ghost club 👻 – a project to spread positive awareness of mental health. https://thesadghostclub.com/pages/about-us

He was hand made and stuffed with recycled plastic bottle stuffing (if I remover correctly) so they are lovely to hold I wanted to share some images of him! He has become my little mental health mascot.

Check out her design page where she has made many other lovely little creatures https://instagram.com/creasedesign?utm_source=ig_profile_share&igshid=13ca41xcrkvj8

Yay for positive mental health awareness!

Recognising the good

So I go through another week which is an achievement I think we can all celebrate and appreciate because life can be hard sometimes ⭐️

My last therapy I had was hypnotherapy and one of the things I took from that was to think of all the positive things from the week.

This is to create a new pattern of thinking and focus on the good things as much as we can because our old fashioned brained are always looking for the negatives to try and protect us.

At first or when you’re not in the best place it can be super hard. You can’t se anything good because you are stuck in the quick sand of negative and depression/ anxiety etc. At the start of each session he would ask me to list as many positive things I could think of from the last week or so and keep asking and waiting until I had come up with 10/20/30.

I need to make sure I practice this every week and make it a forever habit.

So here goes! ↘️

This week I feel like I’ve been doing pretty was especially because I’m on my period but still managing my mental health well.

Monday was out 5 year anniversary

He made dinner and bought flowers

My mum got a new second job that she needed and really wanted

I played pool with the students

We went to the lake district at the weekend and spent lots of quality time together

I read ‘Mad Girl by Bryony Gordon’ and it was amazing and I connected with it so much and shed tears in a good way.

Been walking to work most of the week and it feels good and I now realise that it makes a difference so I want to do it and haven’t been feeling so anxious walking

Just working with the young people in my job is something I enjoy but we had some really nice conversations around sexual health and LGBTQ+ this week

Had someone new volunteer at work which is nice to have an extra person and a new injection even though it’s strange because it’s been just he two of us for so long

Listening to lots of the minimalists podcasts who I love and find so calming, informative and mindful

Really nice weather this week which made me feel inspired and summery

Only two weeks left or half term!

Had youth group this Wednesday just gone which I love

Did a surprise something for a colleague which was a bit creative and fun

Had a curry that a colleague made for us which was vegetable and lentils and was amazing

Didn’t spend that much money because we get paid at the end of next week and I have just under £50 I think I’m on track to save £250 this month 💪🏻

Coming to terms and taking some space from a friendship that has been hurting me recently

Fid some tiling with my dad a few weekends ago and we have been keeping the kitchen tidier since then

Went to town on my own to buy things even though I find it hard on my own

Nath shaved my undercut which feels lovely back to a grade 1

Did some more rug weaving

Got my best friends boys birthday present in the post

Went to the cinema for the first time in ages with Nath to see ‘instant family’ which was so cute and pulls on my heart strings and maternal instincts

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

That feels like a lot and if also feels really nice to recognise all these things ☺️☺️

In my experience struggling with my mental health means the good gets sucked out of everything. There’s also stigma about only showing your best self and fake happy on social media that people. This makes me think (like my brain sometimes) that we either focus on all good or all bad and it’s the in-between that we need to connect more. I sometimes feel guilt about posting good things because I don’t want to make others feel bad or present this perfect self that’s not real.

I try very hard to be real and genuine and show both my best and worst moments. I feel I need to remind myself, just as it’s okay to feel not okay it’s okay to feel good and we must celebrate these moments when they are here ✨

I would recommend for everyone to give this a try and see how it makes you feel.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend 🌈